I’ve been having a few health blips which have required me to slow down and spend a couple of days in bed, so I figured this was a good time to do a blog update.
Odo
Following my Autism diagnosis back in the summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I might write about my experience, or whether I should, even. Does anyone need/want another written account of the highs and lows of going through late-stage diagnosis? Additionally, its very hard to write about. I’ve started and stopped writing so many times about it, realising I can’t even attempt to adequately cover it…especially whilst I’m still learning about it myself. So instead I chose a more creative (and hopefully, more fun!) exploration: writing about my experience via Odo, from Star Trek: Deep Space 9, which I recently finished watching for the first time.
Many Autistic people strongly identify with fictional characters, at times feeling more emotionally connected to them, than to family and friends they’ve known for years. The character Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation is an obvious one, and may be partially responsible for the ongoing (and incorrect) trope of Autistic people being 'like robots’. For me, there’s something much deeper in comparison to my experience of Autism within the character arc of Odo.
Glossing over the fact that Odo’s backstory unfortunately places him as the Chief of Police during the brutal Cardassian occupation, (oh dear, Odo) I found aspects of his often sad and isolated plotlines extremely touching, whilst watching through DS9 for the first time throughout an emotionally difficult and lonely period of my life.
A leading cause of death in Autistic people is suicide. Living in a world which is not built for you, (which, IMO is getting harder, busier and downright noisier) having an intense desire to form connections but simply not being able to, can take its toll. Constantly trying to explain how hard you find the most basic elements of life and being shut down with insensitive comments (“Everyone is a bit Autistic”, “But you’re nothing like my Autistic friend/cousin/family member”, “you’re high-functioning”…delete as appropriate) I sense the reason many neurotypical people find it difficult to take any meaning from someone disclosing a diagnosis to them is along the lines of “well you’ve made it this far- you seem fine! Why does anything need to change?”
Masking is precisely how many of us have made it this far. But the impact of many years of masking on ones’ mental health is massive, and I simply ran out of energy to do it. So whilst in the process of ‘unmasking’, it may seem I have changed, but in reality I am now able to become more like myself than I have ever been…although I’m not quite there yet. And I’m still finding it hard to write about so writing about Odo is more useful for me right now.
Odo is a Changeling- a mysterious (and kind of creepy, tbh) species of alien that can take any form of its choosing. The species collectively are joined to something called ‘The Great Link’, which is frequently referenced to as something unfathomable to humanoids. From Memory Alpha:
…(Odo) realized he would have to take the form of a humanoid to assimilate and function in their environment. He does it, but resents it. As a result, Odo performs a uniquely important role in the ensemble: he is a character who explores and comments on Human values. Because he is forced to pass as one of us, his point of view usually comes with a cynical and critical edge. But he can't quite get it right, this humanoid shape, though he continues to try. So he looks a little unfinished in a way. He's been working on it a long time. Someone might ask him: Why don’t you take the form of a younger man. His answer: I would if I could. He has the adopted child syndrome, searching for his own personal identity. Although he doesn't know anything about his species, he is certain that justice is an integral part of their being, because the necessity for it runs through every fiber of his body – a racial memory. That’s why he became a law man…he doesn’t allow weapons on the Promenade, and once every day he must return to his gelatinous form.’ (From Memory Alpha)
In one episode, we see inside Odo’s quarters, which is full of strange and different objects which he mimics in order to practice his Changeling skills. In this episode, he describes his joy in this practice, as well as his need for routine. It is this room in which he must return to his gelatinous form each day- when he can stop taking his human form and rest. (If this is not a metaphor for coming home after a long day of masking, then I don’t know what is.)
Odo has relationships with the other characters that rarely go beyond his duty, and he is repeatedly seen as untrustworthy by new characters, mostly due to his ability to shapeshift. However, this unique skill is often put to use in order for the Federation to defeat its enemies.
In one particularly harrowing episode, his refusal to rejoin the Great Link leads him to receive a fitting punishment from the Changeling leader: to become human forever, experiencing pain, hunger, itchiness, etc, with his shapeshifting skills taken away, and he finds this sensory experience completely overwhelming. I imagine that joining The Great Link might be a metaphor for an unmasked experience: those rare times when you are around other Autistic people who just get it: where you don’t have to describe/explain and justify your experiences, and don’t have to perform a more ‘acceptable’ version of yourself. (Odo experiences the Great Link quite early on in the series, and quite simply has a fab time.)
As the series progresses, there are more episodes focusing on Odo’s experiences as he tries (and often fails) to fit in with a world that is not built for him, however it is ultimately his interest and care for the people around him that keeps him going (even Quark).
More organ art + sounds
Back to studio time, and I’ve been continuing to experiment with organ instrument prototypes, including incorporating more ergonomic shapes, like gaming control pads:
I also spent some time feeding my own organ-instrument designs and prompts into AI image generators, to see what kind of results I would get. They were…interesting! Here’s some I liked the most:
A reminder that you can listen to and download some of the sound sketches from this project over on bandcamp: ‘they sing in the water, in the blood of our inner seas’.
That’s all for now, as I really need to go and rest!
Kate xo
Resources
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Odo
https://www.autistica.org.uk/our-research/research-projects/understanding-suicide-in-autism